Dear Dave,
Our daughter is 27, and she’s been married for three years. We’ve been helping her and husband financially quite often the whole time they’ve been married, and we’re afraid this isn’t going to end anytime soon. They both have decent jobs, and we don’t have any idea where their money goes. Lately, they have even tried to guilt us into giving them money by saying they’re afraid if we don’t help them that our granddaughter might have to go without things. We’re not sure how to stop this behavior. Do you have any ideas?
Danielle
Dear Danielle,
I know this is a tough situation for you and your husband. It hurts your heart to think about that grandbaby going without something she needs. But let’s get real here. It’s way past time your daughter, and your son-in-law, learned how to manage money like responsible adults. I don’t know how much you two tried to teach her about finances when she was growing up, but it sure sounds to me like this “needing help” is turning into an endless cycle.
You’re giving them money left and right, and it’s pretty obvious it’s not working. You’re giving them fish. I’m sure you’ve heard that old saying, right? Let’s flip the script. You could teach them to fish, and that would mean not giving them anymore fish. Honestly? I think there’s a better way. What if you give them fish only if they take fishing lessons? By this, I mean they get no more money from you unless they go to financial counseling together, and make a serious move toward straightening up their lives.
They’ve figured out if they manipulate your feelings, you’re going to cut them a check. They’re playing you right now. So, if they try that again, maybe by saying they’re afraid your granddaughter might go to bed without dinner, tell them to send her over to your place for good, homecooked meal. If they complain about running out of money before payday, tell them to go to their financial counseling sessions to learn how to fix the issue.
Right now, every time they have a problem they call mom and dad. But here’s the thing. They don’t really have a problem as long as you folks keep doing what you’re doing. Love them well, and be kind, but serious. Let them know you’re not going to give them any more money unless they go to financial counseling sessions together—regularly. Tell them if they’ll do this, and turn in a budget to you, so you and your husband can help coach them on how to be adults and handle their money better, that you’ll set up a matching system for any money they save.
Of course, a matching plan wouldn’t be a permanent thing. But if you gently and firmly lead them toward a different way of thinking and behaving with money, and provide encouragement and a little positive reinforcement now and then, you might just begin to see things change before long.
— Dave
